Days 18 and 19

Day 18: My Family Portrait
Here is a picture of Bri's big brothers and mommy and daddy.

Day 19: Project
I have been working on a memory book for Bri. It's a little one and I may have to get another one one of these days, but I love it! Here's a picture of it...

  

Day 16 and 17

Day 16: Release
I didn't participate in person in a balloon release but another loss mommy I'm friends with did a balloon release and included Brianna so here's a picture...

 
Day 17:Birthday
For Brianna's birthday we went on a picnic as a family. We brought sandwiches and I made cupcakes...homemade vanilla with homemade strawberry frosting. We lit a candle when the wind died down and just when we started singing happy birthday the wind blew out the candle. Here is a picture...

 

Days 14 and 15

Day 14: Community
I don't have pictures as of yet but the bump's loss mama's have really helped me along the way as I hope to have helped them also. Thank you so much ladies! I hope we can all meet one day...

Day 15: Wave of Light
Here are 2 pictures I took of the candle light for remembrance of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss day. 

We love you so much Brianna!!
   

Days 12 and 13

Day 13: Signs
I would like this to be a sign...that dream I had not too long ago when I woke up and my boys were very happy and excited for me to see their new baby sister and she had blonde hair and blue-ish eyes with a red flower headband and I gave her the doll I bought Brianna for a christmas present and told her it was her big sister's doll. I hope it's a sign...........

Day 12: Scents
Sometimes I'll smell coffee and think back to when I was just newly pregnant and the smell of coffee made me sick to my stomach! It still hits me every once in a while, even a year out.   

Days 10 and 11

Day 10: Symbol 

Actually I have 2, the colors of fall 

  
And butterflies:

Day 11: Supportive friends and family
The many friends I've made on the bump loss board, Nigel, my aunt Liz, my sister Kristie, and my mom.
 

Day 9: Special Place

Day 9: Here's my and Brianna's special place...

This is from my deck and I am glad our special place is so nearby :) This is where I feel closest to her, where I go to to talk to Bri.  

Day 8

Day 8: Memorial jewelry

 

Brianna

Happy Birthday sweetheart. I miss you. I wish we weren't celebrating your birthday today, I wish it was January. That would mean you would still be here with us. I made cupcakes for today. Yellow cake, strawberry frosting, and pink sprinkles. I'll put a pink candle on yours later. Your dad and brothers miss you so much too. You would have been one loved little girl with us! So spoiled too! You still are, just from afar. I hope your having a good birthday where your at. I am so surprised I didn't cry last night. I don't know what's wrong with me. I still miss and love you tons honey. Well happy 1st birthday Brianna. We love you so much!

Worst day in my life...

This day last year was the worst day in my life. It is when I learned we had lost you. It was also your aunt and uncle's wedding day. I love you more than you can ever know. I miss you so very much. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you, and ok, still cry at times. I can't believe it's already been a year. I'm going to make you some cupcakes later on and I want to save them for tomorrow. Hopefully go on a picnic with daddy and your brothers. I'll still put a candle on your cupcake. It is your first birthday after all. I love you more than words can say.

Day 6 and 7

Day 6: What not to say

Day 7:What to say or
do

Day 5: Memorial

A hankie I got as a gift with Bri's name and birthday, a snow globe  with Bri's name I bought last christmas, Brianna's resting place...her pink butterfly urn, a willow tree angel I got as a gift, a butterfly, a snow globe angel (both snow globes light up) and her hat the hospital gave her but it was still too big for her. 

I miss her so much. 

Day3 and 4

Here is Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Day 4: Most Treasured Item (1 of many):

 

Capture your grief

I am a day behind, I know! Here's the sunrise from my floor (4th floor) window at work for yesterday: Day1

A before pic of me for today: Day 2

Now I will try my hardest to not fall behind!

Missing you so much!

Hi sweetie! As you already know, I couldn't sleep last night. I miss you so much. Tim said quietly the day before he wishes he had a little sister. Your brothers miss you too. In 7 more days it'll be a year ago that you were born. 6 more days until the worst day of my life. I used to love the fall, all the pretty colors, but I don't like it much anymore because that's when I lost you. I love you Brianna. I love you.

Another one lost...

Well another beloved pet passed away today. Milhouse died about 2pm. We didn't even have him a year. He had pneumonia and we had just got him medicine yesterday. He was our first one and we got him in december last year. He was so cute! Like a checkerboard pattern..white, tan, dark brown with some tan in it. He made it almost a week. He loved when you rubbed under his chin, the only one that liked that! He also would lay down on me whenever I held him, again the only one that did that. He also loved to lay in one spot in his cage right by the bend on the left side of the cage closer to us. Now he gets to be with his best friend Snaptrap in guinea heaven. I miss him so much! I wish there was something more we could have done for him.

Oh my god. I had just happened to look over where Delilah was laying on the shelf by her cage and she was laying on her side with her eyes closed and the first thing that popped in my head was,"is she dead?" What the hell!? I felt such relief when she popped her head up when I moved her cage to get a better look. Am I just doomed to think that the rest of my life? Which brings me to...in just a couple of short weeks from now will be a yr passed since the unknown end of my pregnancy with my lil girl. I can't believe its almost a yr. She should be 7 months old...eating her baby food, going for walks with her. Being loved by her big brothers. It brings tears to my eyes what they're missing out on. And hoping they could get another baby sister one day soon. I'm a little bit scared to get pregnant again. What if this happens again? What if I don't get another chance at having another daughter? That last one is so selfish but I can't help it. I know another girl is not going to be the same as having Bri. She wouldn't be a replacement in my eyes.

Dreams...

 I had a weird but nice? dream last night. I dreamed I had another baby but I must have been put under when I had the baby because I remember waking up and the boys were excited for me to see her and Brad told Alex she had blonde hair like him, I guess to tease him? So I got up and went to get her and she had like a dark blonde or really light brown hair and someone had already put a red flower headband on her. I remember holding her and being so happy. Nigel even commented on how happy I looked. Then later in the dream I was leaking because I never breastfed her and we were at home so I tried to feed her and she wouldn't close her mouth and feed. I thought she just hadn't developed her sucking reflex yet and someone in the background was asking if she should have formula. I remember picking up my daughter and saying to her that now I need to come up with a name for you. I also gave her Brianna's doll and told her it's her big sister's doll. I don't remember her crying at all though. Hopefully that means she was just a good baby and not something else.

For Bri

I'm sorry it's been so long since I talked with you sweetie pie. As you know last week we lost 3 very much loved guinea pigs. Snowball, the white one with cowlicks allover and tan spot on his eye and tan stripe on his nose. Snaptrap, the all black one who was Tim's second pet. Pepe the older black one with a white stripe across his back and on his nose and a tan splotch on his right back. Are they up there with you, playing with you? I hope they are happy and I really hope they know how much they are loved and missed. I hope your happy up there with some pets to play with. They are very cute and friendly pets to have. I love you sweet heart. I think of you everyday. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you. Daddy's bunny, Ludwig, bit me on my boob yesterday...it should have been something you did about now. That was the first thought that popped into my head when he did it. I keep having these weird work dreams. When am I gonna dream about you again? I love those dreams! Last monday we went to the pet store and got 2 more guineas, white ones that are brothers, and a white with gray spots and gray flop ears girl bunny. It was hard to agree on a name for her. Your brothers and I liked the name Daisy. But I also liked Petunia ( daddy did too) and Delilah. We finally settled with Delilah. I haven't told your brothers but the next girl pet we get I'm gonna name her Daisy. The white guineas names are Squiggy and Squeeky. Squiggy has pink ears and Squiggy has purple ears. I love you baby girl. I hope to see you in my dreams real soon! We love you Brianna so much!

Dreams...

I have had 2 dreams of you sweetie. The first one was a few months after we lost you. I had a dream that I was laying in bed. You looked just the same cutie as when you came out. And you went to hold my hand once again. I snuck my hand over to take a picture this time and I took 3 but only one turned out. I was so happy I actually got a picture of you and I holding hands (or you holding my finger!) Then a couple of weeks ago I had a dream we were in the van and driving somewhere at dusk and we saw a shooting star. You dad was so excited to see it! (weird,huh?) Your dad said we have to make a wish and at the same time I said "I wish I had my baby girl here with me" and Brad said " I wish I had a baby sister" I know Tim and Alex were with us but maybe they were sleeping? I really miss you little one. I do wish you were still here with us. Happy 9 month birthday to you. I can't believe it's been this long. It certainly doesn't feel like it. I miss you. And of course you know I love you so very much!

 Guilt

I don't think it will ever leave me. After all, it was MY body that was sick, MY body that made my lil girl sick, MY body that killed her. I hate my body so much. If only I had called the doctor, if I had just gone in. Maybe I would have had a micropremie,still with us. But I of all people should know that just being alive isn't good enough at times. But I'm a selfish person, I really wish my daughter was still here. The guilt sometimes hits me when I least expect it. Just imagine being sick right before you died...that's how my lil girl felt before she died. I find myself picking up her urn, hugging it and apologizing to her. My body is such a failure. I've not only lost my baby girl but I've gained all weight back +some. And yet I can't seem to stop eating. My body is so f-ing stupid, it couldn't tell a dead baby from a live one. She had passed a couple of weeks before we found out but my body made no move to get her out. Well except sucking all the amniotic fluid out. But then again, I don't know which one happened first and never will. Maybe I was too happy I was having a girl. Maybe because I said "this is our last one then I'm done" too many times. Maybe I was on my feet too much. Here is a poem that describes me a lot of the time:
Despair.
falling deeper & deeper each day.
wondering what else I'll lose
and wondering if it'll go away.
Denial
It's something I sometimes feel.
that the pain I have inside
could not possibly be real.
Sadness.
Not something that disappears
despite what I wish for
I have never ending tears.
Blame.
That's what I often do
I will never forgive myself.
My heart's permanently broken in two.

These four simple words
to describe my feelings inside.
wishing I could crawl into myself
to stay forever and hide.
There are days I wonder
if these feelings will go.
If it's possible for me
to not feel so low.

I also feel lots of guilt over missing my sister's wedding. Not being there for her. But the worst guilt of all? Letting my baby girl down. I took her for granted and lost her forever.

My life changing year...2011

 May 2011 I started feeling really dizzy and nauseous and lost my taste for coffee (I love coffee!) so Nigel said he thinks I might be pregnant so I did a hpt on the morning of May 21st and came to find out I was! The lines showed up before I was even finished peeing! Now, I've got my boys and had been dreaming of having my little girl so I was scared to get pg because I wanted to try everything possible to up my chances. So I was very happy and nervous. But it had been a long time (7 years at the time) since I had been pg so I was enjoying it very much, even the swelling wasn't bothering me too much. I even ate better because so many things made me nauseous so I was finally losing some wt.( the doc wasn't concerned though like with Brad) It was the best feeling the flutters then some movement. I really miss that. I went to my first appt June 21st and I was 10 weeks along. At that appt. my m/w said I had bacterial vaginosis so she gave me a prescription and that was that. At each appt. after that my baby was growing and healthy with a healthy hb in the 150's-160's. I went for my a/s on August 19th with Kristie, who was soo excited to go, but Nigel had to work. That is when I found out I was having my little girl. I was in such shock! I didn't think it would ever happen! So after that we went to target and got a couple of onesies, one for daddy and one for her big brothers, to surprise them with. Then we went to Nigel's work and he was so happy! I was as happy as can be. The appts after that were good too. Then the 2nd to last week of of Sept. I didn't feel her move. At first I just thought she was not gonna be a real active baby, or that girls were lazier than boys, or maybe she was moving when I was sleeping. But as the week wore on I was getting more and more scared.Nigel kept trying to reassure me that maybe I don't feel her kicks as much because she turned around. But never once did I call my midwife. I really wish I would have. That was a bad mistake that I'll have to live with the rest of my life. That weekend, though, when I went to bed I thought I felt her move just a little so I felt a bit better. And the next day I thought I felt a kick to the left of my back too. 
  Now a couple weeks later it's Kristie's wedding. The whole time from that weekend where I thought I felt her move I had been having braxton hicks which is normal for that part of pregnancy. I was 23 weeks along during that scary week. I had to keep rescheduling my appt. so it finally got made for friday October 7th in the morning before my sister's wedding that my self, Nigel, and boys were in. I had to get another u/s since the one in august they couldn't get a real clear pic of her heart. So Nigel and I ran in, and I was so excited because he was gonna finally see for himself we were gonna have our little girl. When we finally got in we were in a rush so the tech said she would make it quick. As soon as the wand touched my belly she got this look. Then the questions...have I noticed a lot of fluid leaking out?...have I been urinating a lot more than usual?...have I felt her move? Then she went to get my m/w and the doc. While she was gone I was trying real hard not to start crying, I didn't want to scare Nigel more. But in my heart I knew I had lost her. I was 25 weeks at that point. But I couldn't hold in my tears. They all 3 came back in to confirm I had lost my baby girl. I still wanted to go to the wedding, I felt bad I was gonna miss it and it was enough to ruin our day, I didn't want to ruin my sister's too. But in the end we decided we wouldn't go but the boys would still go. My dad and stepmom and one of my step brothers were out too so they took the boys while Nigel and I went to the hospital. I was so scared and heartbroken. They started me on cytotec at around 3pm. They were very uncomfortable when the nurse put them in. I was to get 2 pills inserted every 6 hours. They could make you slow to dialate with very, very strong contractions. Some women labor for a whole day or more. I didn't want to go through this longer than I had to. I was dialated at 1 for most of those long 12 hours. The contractions weren't too bad at first. While sitting there waiting we were watching the Simpsons and the 2 episodes that were on were wedding ones, which I thought was ironic. It made me feel even more guilty for not being there for my sister. After the wedding my dad, step mom and step brother came to the hospital to see me. I was so looking forward to seeing them and since I was getting my u/s that day I thought they would be so excited to have their very own u/s pics. How fast a day can change. They stayed for a little over an hour then left to be with the boys. My contractions started to get even worse afterwards. I had since gotten my second dose of cytotec. Nigel has never been much for help during labor and it irritated me so much. But it made me even more mad now because I really didn't want an epidural, I thought it would make all this seem even more real, but I was in so much pain and crying and couldn't move and he was just starting to fall asleep. He just rolled over and said just get the epidural if your in that much pain. I really wish I had someone there with me to help me though that. So I sucked it up and got it. They had trouble getting it in then finally got it. I sat up for maybe a minute then laid back down and before the nurse could leave the room my little girl made her appearance. Nigel was still at the foot of the bed so he saw her come out. We all thought he was gonna pass out. That was at 2:55am on Saturday October 8th, 2011. Brianna weighed 1 pound and 5 ounces and was 11 inches long. She was perfectly healthy, not one thing wrong with her. They thought I had an infection along with losing all of my fluid. At my 3 week post appt. my midwife said I had bv again so I got another script. She says that couldn't have caused me to lose our daughter, but I beg to differ.  I held her after the shakes were gone for 7 hours straight then the nurse came to get her for pictures. I really, really ,really wish I had taken some of my own and some with her. When she came back with Brianna I held her for another 2 hours until they came to take her forever. We had to make arrangements for her, which was something I never thought I would have to do for a child of mine. We decided to have her cremated. So there she sits in a little butterfly urn next to my bed. I miss her so.

 A letter to my baby girl, Brianna:
It has been 8 months, 3 weeks and 3 days and I still miss you like crazy. I wish this had turned out differently, with you here with us. You have 3 big brothers that wish they could have known you. Tim is 11 years old and Brad is 10 years old and Alex is 8 years old. They would have been great big brothers to you.I think of you everyday. You would have been almost 6 months old! How time flies by. I always wonder what you would look like. Would you have brown hair or blonde, if you would have had any =) How chubby you'd be, how your laugh would sound like. If your eyes would squint shut when you smiled like me, if you'd have your daddy and brother's light eyes or my brown/hazel eyes. If you would have a big nose like me and Tim and Brad or a little nose like your dad and Alex. How stubborn you would be (because lets face it, your my daughter!) Just know this sweetie, I could never stop loving you, never stop missing you, and will always love you!
    Love, 
 Mommy