Guilt

I don't think it will ever leave me. After all, it was MY body that was sick, MY body that made my lil girl sick, MY body that killed her. I hate my body so much. If only I had called the doctor, if I had just gone in. Maybe I would have had a micropremie,still with us. But I of all people should know that just being alive isn't good enough at times. But I'm a selfish person, I really wish my daughter was still here. The guilt sometimes hits me when I least expect it. Just imagine being sick right before you died...that's how my lil girl felt before she died. I find myself picking up her urn, hugging it and apologizing to her. My body is such a failure. I've not only lost my baby girl but I've gained all weight back +some. And yet I can't seem to stop eating. My body is so f-ing stupid, it couldn't tell a dead baby from a live one. She had passed a couple of weeks before we found out but my body made no move to get her out. Well except sucking all the amniotic fluid out. But then again, I don't know which one happened first and never will. Maybe I was too happy I was having a girl. Maybe because I said "this is our last one then I'm done" too many times. Maybe I was on my feet too much. Here is a poem that describes me a lot of the time:
Despair.
falling deeper & deeper each day.
wondering what else I'll lose
and wondering if it'll go away.
Denial
It's something I sometimes feel.
that the pain I have inside
could not possibly be real.
Sadness.
Not something that disappears
despite what I wish for
I have never ending tears.
Blame.
That's what I often do
I will never forgive myself.
My heart's permanently broken in two.

These four simple words
to describe my feelings inside.
wishing I could crawl into myself
to stay forever and hide.
There are days I wonder
if these feelings will go.
If it's possible for me
to not feel so low.

I also feel lots of guilt over missing my sister's wedding. Not being there for her. But the worst guilt of all? Letting my baby girl down. I took her for granted and lost her forever.